HIGH IN THE SKY

I flew to Boston today be a good daughter for Mother’s Day and then I’m flying back to NYC tomorrow to be a good mom.  I’m ridiculous, I know (feel free to comment below).  But listen, here’s the thing, some people have got to relax at the airport.  There wasn’t a latte to be found in my terminal and it was WAY too early in the morning for all the nonsense I was dealing with.  At the airport I tweeted about these discombobulated flyers (a word my bff’s from grade school and I used on a daily basis and one that I’ve decided to bring back…full force so watch out) and on my flight decided to come up with some rules for these wild ones.  Here you go…

1) You’re one person, you don’t need 5 bags.  Last I checked we’re boarding a commercial plane not a private jet.  And you don’t look like a Trump to me so pack accordingly.  If you can manage your multiple bags appropriately – fine.  If you can’t, however, and you drop them one more time or bump me with them again then I’m throwing them in the garbage.  It’ll be worth getting arrested for.

2) Stop huffing and puffing and pay attention already.  You’re giving me anxiety.  If we’ve been waiting in the security line for 10 minutes then we’ll get to the front eventually.  And when you do make it to the front, don’t hold the rest of us up even longer while you rifle through your 5 bags looking for your ID and boarding pass.  And you thought I was weird for walking around shoeless this whole time with boarding pass, passport, AND license in hand.  It’s called being prepared.

3) These “new” rules you complain about have been in place for oh, I don’t know, a good ten years now.  Get over it.  Take your shoes off, put them in the bin and walk through the metal detector already.  And if you get groped in the process, so be it.  Keep it moving.

4) You can’t board the plane until called so sit at the gate, read, play Draw Something, eavesdrop, whatever you need to do to pass the time.  Just don’t be that guy who starts the line and makes everyone else feel compelled to stand and wait for like 30 minutes.  Because then I’m the “weirdo” sitting, secretly stressing that the plane might just leave without me.

5) Getting on and off of the plane should be simple.  Get on, find your seat and sit in it.  Don’t put your bag away only to need it one minute later – I won’t let you get up.  I won’t.  Upon landing if you’re at the back of the plane just sit down.  Sit.  You’re not going anywhere for a while.

OK, that about covers it.  I can only hope that everyone flying out of Logan tomorrow reads this and has time to get it together.  If not, there at least better be a good latte on hand.  

I’m just saying.